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Author Topic: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....  (Read 29749 times)

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hoghelmet14

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NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« on: January 31, 2009, 12:27:36 am »

Post em if you got em...

Did you hear that Jeff Gordon is getting a new crew chief from
China?   His name is Win-Won Soon.

 ;D
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2009, 12:34:56 am »

A man walks into a bar with his dog. A NASCAR race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Gordon is doing. The bartender says "Gordon is in 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 25 times. Several laps later, the bartender says "Gordon is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "Gordon is up to 3rd",
after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if  Gordon wins?"

    "I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him a year and a half!"

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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2009, 12:35:35 am »

Why did NASCAR outlaw the Polish victory lap....
Because it was interfering with Michael Waltrip finishing the race!

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hogs24

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2009, 04:01:11 pm »

Got a couple...

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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2009, 04:18:17 pm »

LOL... and to think you climb to 100 just stopped!
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hogsgrl09

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2009, 04:57:17 pm »

Got a couple...

HA I love this one!
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hogs24

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2009, 06:48:13 pm »

LOL... and to think you climb to 100 just stopped!
And.....you're even! ;)
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2009, 12:27:31 am »

The Tony/Burger King dude is hilarious.....

and just so yall all know...  I can take everything I dish out.... some of the funniest jokes I have heard are about Smoke.... though... I am not going to share them with yall!!! unless I change the names a little ;)
anyway.... bring them on.
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FaytownHog

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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2009, 09:12:02 am »

FaytownHog... +1
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2009, 08:13:54 pm »

Tony Stewarts biggest fan:









Jeff Gordons biggest fan:

« Last Edit: February 01, 2009, 09:54:04 pm by hoghelmet20 »
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2009, 08:20:48 pm »

One day, a Nascar fan was walking along the beach and came across an odd looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every Gordon fan in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every Gordon Fan in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every Gordon Fan in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2009, 08:23:51 pm »

Jeff Gordon is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."  "No," Gordo says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." 

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."  "I'm afraid not," explains The WonderBoy. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks The Rainbow Warrior, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Jimmie Johnson, Kyle Busch and Jeff Gordon were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Gordon beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2009, 08:33:11 pm »

Q. Give an Example of Gross Ignorance.
A. 144 Gordon Fans
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2009, 08:43:37 pm »

If Robert Pressley, John Andretti and Geoff Bodine were in a boat and the Boat Sinks, Who Would be saved?

Half the cars in Sundays Race.
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2009, 08:44:05 pm »

How can you tell when Mark Martin is going to say something intelligent?

He starts out with "I once heard Tony Stewart say......"
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2009, 08:46:40 pm »

A little boy ran away from home and a cop saw him and said "Hey little boy, what are you doing?" The little boy replied "I'm running away from home." The cop asked him "Why are you doing that?" The little boy replied "Because my dad beats me." The cops says "Oh, well get in the car and I will take you back to your mother" And the little boy says "No, no! She beats me too!" The cop says "Do you have an uncle?" "Yes but he beats me too", replied the little boy. And the cop says "Get in the car and I'll take you to your grandma's then." The little boy says "No, no, no! My grandma beats me also." The cop says "Well little boy, is there anywhere I can take you where nobody will beat you?" And the little boys says "Take me to live with Mark Martin because he can't beat anybody."
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ArkieRebel

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #17 on: February 02, 2009, 08:45:05 am »

A man walks into a bar with his dog. A NASCAR race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Gordon is doing. The bartender says "Gordon is in 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 25 times. Several laps later, the bartender says "Gordon is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "Gordon is up to 3rd",
after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if  Gordon wins?"

    "I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him a year and a half!"



I heard this one about 10 years ago, except it was about Dale Earnhardt...
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ArkieRebel

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2009, 08:48:29 am »

Another one from about 10 years ago...

What do you call 42 straight guys chasing a fag?




















NASCAR.
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ArkieRebel

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2009, 08:49:12 am »

What does Dale Earnhardt have in common with Pink Floyd?

Both of their last big hits were with The Wall.
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hogsgrl09

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2009, 03:52:02 pm »

What does Dale Earnhardt have in common with Pink Floyd?

Both of their last big hits were with The Wall.
my fav

How can you tell when Mark Martin is going to say something intelligent?

He starts out with "I once heard Tony Stewart say......"

gay :P
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2009, 05:46:06 pm »

gay?  how come I am getting PMs saying that was funny?  Huh?  Huh?

yeah... I may have changed the names some.... it was Gordon originally going to say something intelligent... but then... hogs24 might not like me anymore if I pick on his boy only....

              Girl....

                      You are such an innocent target!

LOL
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hogs24

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2009, 11:05:39 pm »

We're good, Hh. I'm used to it. It's what happens when you win 4 championships. :D
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HogasaurusRex

Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #23 on: February 03, 2009, 12:05:26 pm »

Helmet.  Check ur pm's.
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #24 on: February 03, 2009, 08:41:04 pm »

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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2009, 10:01:02 am »

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.  The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
 
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.  However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!  At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels l in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower
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hoosier

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #26 on: February 09, 2009, 01:15:24 pm »

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:   
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving. 
 # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.   
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.   
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. 
 # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.   
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race. 
 # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho. 
 # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.   
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
 
 AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR.............. 

  # 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.       



I don't know if this was really on Letterman or not. I got it thru an e-mail.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2009, 01:19:51 pm by hoosier »
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clifflee4mvp

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #27 on: February 09, 2009, 01:24:31 pm »

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:  
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving. 
 # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.  
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.  
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. 
 # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.  
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race. 
 # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho. 
 # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.  
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
 
 AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR.............. 

  # 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.      



I don't know if this was really on Letterman or not. I got it thru an e-mail.

fantastic!
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FaytownHog

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #28 on: February 09, 2009, 01:45:33 pm »

i'm gonna go with no, it was not on his show. although sterotypically funny, WAY to unPC and too many people would NOT find it funny. it would have been too big of a risk to have this on air.
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:  
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving. 
 # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.  
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.  
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. 
 # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.  
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race. 
 # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho. 
 # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.  
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
 
 AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR.............. 

  # 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.      



I don't know if this was really on Letterman or not. I got it thru an e-mail.
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hoosier

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #29 on: February 09, 2009, 02:11:03 pm »

I didn't find it on Letterman's sight. But I did find this one.

Top Ten Things Never Before Said By A NASCAR Driver 
     
 
 
     
 10.  Kasey Kahne: "Anyone know how to drive a stick?" 
 
 9.  Jeff Gordon: "Does this gas taste funny to you?" 
 
  8. Jeff Burton: "I don't care much for country music or beer" 
 
  7. Mark Martin: "Switch the 'r' and 'c' in 'racing' and you get 'caring'" 
 
  6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: "Wow, Letterman looks so young in person" 
 
 5.  Denny Hamlin: "You're looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak" 
 
 4.  Kyle Busch: "A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions, am I right, ladies?" 
 
  3. Kevin Harvick: "It would be nice if the guys in the pits occasionally surprised me with a piece of carrot cake or something" 
 
  2. Jimmie Johnson: "The Nextel Cup is great, but what I'm really excited for is Late Show Ventriloquist Week" 
 
  1. Matt Kenseth: "If you think I'm fast in my car, you should see me in the bedroom" 
 
 
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BigoBoys

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2009, 08:24:52 pm »

Funny Stuff Gang!  Keep em coming. 
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2009, 08:57:11 pm »

(knock knock)
"Who's There?"
"Boo"
"Boo Who?"
"Is that you Gordon?"
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2009, 08:59:50 pm »

Walking into the garage lounge area, Jeff Gordon said to Rick Hendrick, "Pour me a stiff one Rick, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Rick. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Jeff replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!"
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ArkieRebel

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #33 on: February 12, 2009, 01:28:55 pm »

Tim Wilson sings a song called "Jeff Gordon's Gay"

Quote
Jeff Gordon's gay
Jeff Gordon's gay
At least that's what those ornery Earnhardt fans always say
They swear he's using vaseline on the 24 Chevrolet
Jeff Gordon's gay
He must be gay

He wears rainbow colors
He's a handsome fellow standing in victory lane
With a gorgeous little wife with a check in her hand sipping that gay champagne
With them Earnhardt fan up in the stands all chocking on bread and Spam say Gordon's gay every time he turns and hugs Ray Evernham

Jeff Gordon's gay
He must be gay
He's probably whistling Elton John or Spandal Ballet
He's got the Rainbow Warrior singing Y.M.C.A.
Jeff Gordon's gay
He must be gay

He's got three Winston Cup trophies sitting at home on his trophy shelf
But I bet you he can't pick one up at least not by himself

Jeff Gordon's gay
Jeff Gordon's gay
At least that's what the people who lose on Sunday always say
They swear he's using vaseline on the 24 Chevrolet
Jeff Gordon's gay
He must be gay

And next year he'll drive the long pink Cadillac for Mary Kay
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dartgames

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #34 on: February 21, 2009, 01:19:23 pm »

LOL
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #35 on: March 06, 2009, 09:50:04 am »

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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #36 on: March 06, 2009, 09:50:45 am »

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hogs24

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #37 on: March 06, 2009, 11:03:53 am »

;D
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #38 on: March 06, 2009, 11:25:11 am »

Where did you get that picture?  That is cool!
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hogs24

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #39 on: March 06, 2009, 11:35:20 am »

http://markjrebilas.com/blog/tag/tony-stewart/

Look around here. Some great pics.
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #40 on: March 07, 2009, 10:12:19 pm »

Remember this?

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hogs24

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #41 on: March 08, 2009, 12:15:30 am »

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tallahasseehog

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #42 on: March 08, 2009, 12:41:33 pm »

Man that was funny/sad.  I felt bad for the guys waving the flag.  Collateral Damage!
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #43 on: March 08, 2009, 01:09:20 pm »

think of all those wasted beers.... I think on that day the jr fans were upset... I am not sure but thats what I think....
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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #44 on: March 09, 2009, 09:55:49 am »

TONY STEWART VS GOODYEAR EPISODE 47




















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hoghelmet14

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Re: NASCAR Jokes, Humor and pics....
« Reply #45 on: May 25, 2009, 10:08:25 pm »

This was posted today in the Garage Gang Forum and I thought it was funny:

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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