Decision tree for the relentlessly optimistic / "realistic"

[Biggus Piggus]

When posting, please save your energy and use the following preseason football decision tree.

IF news is good, goto 1
IF news is bad, goto 4

1 Gush excessive praise
2 Make grandiose proclamations about impending dynasty
3 Goto 100

4 Claim bad news merely opens opportunity for real Razorbacks
5 Point out Danny Ford would still be going 4-7
6 Gush excessive praise
7 Make grandiose proclamations about impending dynasty
8 Goto 100

100 Say how glad you are to be a Hog fan
101 Say you can't wait for the season to begin

For those who claim to be objective or realistic, please use this decision tree.

IF news is good, goto 1
IF news is bad, goto 1

1 Pick on happy poster's grammar
2 Pick on happy poster's misspelling of "grammer"
3 Point out his name is "Mustain" not "Mustang" and how the mistake suggests a sub-100 IQ
4 Make lewd puns referring to the surnames Nutt and Dick
5 Rehash chronological history of HDN's administrative snafus
6 Flip coin, IF heads, goto 10; IF tails, goto 20

10 Start hire-Butch Davis online petition
11 Claim Hogs will go 4-7 and Mustain personally will force a coaching change
12 Speculate whether Gus Malzahn will be offensive coordinator, or just go straight to the White House
13 Admit you really watch more Texas Aggies games
14 Goto 100

20 See if you can buy domain name rights to "firehoustonnutt.com" really cheap
21 Squat on board waiting to pounce on anyone who makes a "why's everybody so negative" post
22 Drink excessively
23 Start bonding with Skip
24 Develop self-loathing
25 Goto 100

100 Say how glad you are to be a Hog fan
101 Say you can't wait for the season to begin

[ArkansasI]

Sad, but true. . . very true.

[Biggus Piggus]

Sad, but true. . . very true.

This was supposed to make you laugh.

Seriously, I think the main problem with the board, if there is one, is a running get-the-last-word ping pong match between longtime board members with opposing points of view.

[ArkansasI]

I didn't mean to sound like a downer. . . but that is what happens on so many of the threads.  Invariably an intelligent discussion will be interrupted by personal attacks or random cries for firing a coach.

I have now volleyed back to you!  I promise to lighten up.

[Swino]

Fell out of my seat almost laughing at that one.

[S.P.A.M. Hog]

Funny Stuff HsV! But of course the truth is funnier that anything one could make up.

[MarieHogFan]

Sad, but true. . . very true.

This was supposed to make you laugh.

Seriously, I think the main problem with the board, if there is one, is a running get-the-last-word ping pong match between longtime board members with opposing points of view.

The main problem I see with this board, from a newbie's perspective, is that very few people have any kind of a sense of humor.  Everyone is just so "damn you, you WILL BELIEVE WHAT I SAY!!!".

[HogFanLR]

wow,

Now I can automate my postings.  great.  Have not had time lately so this is a big service.

This is the best message board ever   

[Lanny]

Great Post Biggus

[mikeb]

can I just stay with #22  ..............good post man

[Bomis Hawg]

Whoa, a joke?

I already had my lucky quarter out ready to flip and everything... 

[PorcineSublime]

OMG, I was having flashbacks to my BASIC programming days. I swear I was looking for a GOSUB. Funny stuff for sure. Thanks for lightening things up a bit.

[Biggus Piggus]

I started to do it in C but didn't think anybody would get it.

[Tomhog™]

Hillarious post, Biggus.  It is funny how negativity fits a pattern like that.  Anyone have a coin I can flip? LOL

I thought Malzahn was running for governor?

[Oklahawg]

Big Post Greatus!!

There seems to be a missing "go subroutine" that refers to what happens if a major player on the team gets caught doing something illegal, drops out of school, or encounters a career-threatening injury.

[lunchbox72703]

why is everyone so negative?  LOL