Week 1 Rundown

[Big Papa Satan]

There's some funny stuff in there.

Leave it to the television network that invented sports-free Olympic coverage to turn their first football game in 12 years into a Peyton vs. Eli after-school special. After watching the Mannings yuck it up with Cris Collinsworth in various promos, I kept hoping that eldest brother Cooper (the Chucky Cunningham of the family) would arrive to deliver some much-needed wedgies.

Walsh wants a passer who can think on his feet, but he's saddled with Aaron Brooks, who plays like he just sampled some of the magic mushrooms from Super Mario Brothers. Walsh, head coach Art Shell and Brooks should increase the Raiders' win total 50 percent this season. For those of you who can't do math, that translates to a 6-10 record. Loss No. 1 is scheduled for Tuesday morning, when Marty Schottenheimer will protect his secondary by unleashing a blitz that has Brooks pushing the X-button and right trigger all night long.

This game promises to be a barn-burner. With all of the troublemakers on the Bengals' roster, let's just hope no one actually burns a barn.

Eighty-seven year old Bills owner Ralph Wilson wanted to inject some young blood into his organization, so he hired 81-year old Marv Levy as general manager. Levy, as you know, taught the K-Gun offense to homo habilis.

The Falcons also made some improvements, but not enough to close the gap. John Abraham gives Atlanta a formidable pass rush, and with Ashley Lelie joining Michael Jenkins and Roddy White, Michael Vick now has three disappointing former first-round picks to overthrow.

But enough about the score — what about the over-under for excuses when Brett Favre throws his first interception? The Vegas line is two-and-a-half, so if you hear "he tries to do too much," "he has no supporting cast," and "he isn't getting enough protection," you're a winner!

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