State of Florida Football Nation Sucks

[The OTR]

Back in 1984, quarterback midget Doug Flutie heaved a rather weak pass into the end zone for a winning touchdown against the Miami Hurricanes. Since that very moment, the state of Florida has basically only responded with Morty Seinfeld fighting with Jack Klompus over who would be the Del Boca Vista Estates president on the sitcom Seinfeld. Or maybe it was Vanilla Ice attempting to restart his music career in Florida. Somewhere along the way, a Florida resident a few years ago called 911 because his subway sandwich order was wrong. And then there's Key West, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, the basic premise of this slice of Pulitzer-nominee penciling is, you suck State of Florida Football Nation! You have a large population with warm weather and smoking hot chicks. That's it! You're done after that. Florida is one big strip joint for men visiting on business from the Midwest. Was that your wife I just slipped two dollars to? See, the only thing Americans know about Florida is too much hair gel and Wide Right and Wide Left. And we don't even remember it was Miami who won those games. We think we remember it was Virginia Tech or something. No wait! It was Rutgers. Now I remember.

Centuries ago, Ponce de Leon discovered this peninsula, and named the land "Florida," which is Spanish for "flowery teams will thrive only because of the weak Big East and ACC." Then Ponce de Leon got the hell out of there. I don't blame him.

Later on, Florida was right there during the Revolutionary War. But who did they help? Nobody. Did we hear the Benjamin Martin or General Cornwallis characters in The Patriot ever mention the Florida militia? Hell no we did not. Florida was initially Spanish territory, then British territory during the war. After George Washington and the patriots won our freedom, well, Florida went back to the Spanish. Get the idea here? Louisiana, Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois, Alabama, Missouri, Arkansas and Michigan became states before Florida was finally admitted in 1845. If you know your geography, then you know  what I'm saying. The war for independence was fought on the east coast, but Florida factored into nothing. Then Florida only beat California to statehood by five years! Florida is the Gino Toretto of American history.

Which brings us to Gino Toretto, the worst Heisman winner in history. Gino "won the Heisman" in 1992, then got his butt kicked by Alabama weeks later. He was later shuffled out the door by five NFL teams in five years. In comparison, implode-king Ryan Leaf was only shuffled out the door by four NFL teams in five years.

You see, the greatest football person to ever come from Florida is nobody. Howard Schellenberger is a Kentucky boy. Jimmy Johnson and Butch Davis are from west of the Sabine River by way of Arkansas. Dennis Erickson is from Washington, Bob Griese is from Indiana, Steve Spurrier is from Tennessee, Dan Marino is from PA. Don Shula, Urban Meyer, Paul Warfield, Larry Csonka and John Gruden are all from Ohio. Bobby Bowden and Tim Tebow are from Alabama. Who is from Florida? Nobody, that's who. 

Nobody good anyway. So why do you Gators keep Gator chopping? No wonder a world class wimp such as Lane Kiffin saw such an easy target. And stop laughing Free Shoes University. We sure haven't seen a Tomahawk chop in awhile. I don't even remember what those things look like. I remember hearing about them. Vaguely. Then there's The U. The Canes. Population a whole lot, and how many people show up to Miami Hurricane games? Seven. Sixty on a good day? So what's that cheering noise I cannot hear? It's Miami Hurricane fans.

The BP Gulf oil spill? I blame Florida. NASA budget cuts? Florida. Scarface? Florida. People dying in the Bermuda Triangle, the Bay of Pigs fiasco, and The Great Depression? Florida, Florida, Florida. Where did Al Capone die of syphilis? Florida. You Floridians have South Beach women. The rest of us have log cabins, deer hunting, and DVD's of South Beach women. You have the beach. We have lakes. And we cannot accidentally swallow salt water and be eaten by sharks. You can!

The Florida "football" experiment is over. So send us your women and stop buying football tickets. We'll rename the entire state "Key West" and you'll have more money to spend on hair gel.

[Hawg Balling]

Since the inception of the BCS, teams from the state of Florida have played for the National Championship 7 times and winning 4. I'd say they're doing alright. 

[Ex-Trumpet]

Back in 1984, quarterback midget Doug Flutie heaved a rather weak pass into the end zone for a winning touchdown against the Miami Hurricanes. Since that very moment, the state of Florida has basically only responded with Morty Seinfeld fighting with Jack Klompus over who would be the Del Boca Vista Estates president on the sitcom Seinfeld. Or maybe it was Vanilla Ice attempting to restart his music career in Florida. Somewhere along the way, a Florida resident a few years ago called 911 because his subway sandwich order was wrong. And then there's Key West, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, the basic premise of this slice of Pulitzer-nominee penciling is, you suck State of Florida Football Nation...

That's about as far as I got in this worthless rambling.  So, teams from the state of Florida have accomplished nothing since 1984, correct?

[Youin]

Since the inception of the BCS, a teams from the state of Florida have played for the National Championship 7 times and winning 4. I'd say they're doing alright.

^ This  Hard to dispute these results.

[BumpieJohnson]

Emmit Smith
Micheal Irvin
Deon Sanders
All great players, and Hall of Famers, or future Hall of Famers. They are from Florida, the last I checked.

[Burt B.]

Way to much too read

[NWASooner]

Miami alone has won five national titles.

[Hawgrox]

THAT my friend is the single greatest post in Hogville history outside of "I Just Steven Hill"....

[HoggySTruman]

This was probably the dumbest, worst thought out, piece of crap post I have ever read on Hogville.

Back in 1984, quarterback midget Doug Flutie heaved a rather weak pass into the end zone for a winning touchdown against the Miami Hurricanes. Since that very moment, the state of Florida has basically only responded with Morty Seinfeld fighting with Jack Klompus over who would be the Del Boca Vista Estates president on the sitcom Seinfeld. Or maybe it was Vanilla Ice attempting to restart his music career in Florida. Somewhere along the way, a Florida resident a few years ago called 911 because his subway sandwich order was wrong. And then there's Key West, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, the basic premise of this slice of Pulitzer-nominee penciling is, you suck State of Florida Football Nation! You have a large population with warm weather and smoking hot chicks. That's it! You're done after that. Florida is one big strip joint for men visiting on business from the Midwest. Was that your wife I just slipped two dollars to? See, the only thing Americans know about Florida is too much hair gel and Wide Right and Wide Left. And we don't even remember it was Miami who won those games. We think we remember it was Virginia Tech or something. No wait! It was Rutgers. Now I remember.

Centuries ago, Ponce de Leon discovered this peninsula, and named the land "Florida," which is Spanish for "flowery teams will thrive only because of the weak Big East and ACC." Then Ponce de Leon got the hell out of there. I don't blame him.

Later on, Florida was right there during the Revolutionary War. But who did they help? Nobody. Did we hear the Benjamin Martin or General Cornwallis characters in The Patriot ever mention the Florida militia? Hell no we did not. Florida was initially Spanish territory, then British territory during the war. After George Washington and the patriots won our freedom, well, Florida went back to the Spanish. Get the idea here? Louisiana, Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois, Alabama, Missouri, Arkansas and Michigan became states before Florida was finally admitted in 1845. If you know your geography, then you know  what I'm saying. The war for independence was fought on the east coast, but Florida factored into nothing. Then Florida only beat California to statehood by five years! Florida is the Gino Toretto of American history.

Which brings us to Gino Toretto, the worst Heisman winner in history. Gino "won the Heisman" in 1992, then got his butt kicked by Alabama weeks later. He was later shuffled out the door by five NFL teams in five years. In comparison, implode-king Ryan Leaf was only shuffled out the door by four NFL teams in five years.

You see, the greatest football person to ever come from Florida is nobody. Howard Schellenberger is a Kentucky boy. Jimmy Johnson and Butch Davis are from west of the Sabine River by way of Arkansas. Dennis Erickson is from Washington, Bob Griese is from Indiana, Steve Spurrier is from Tennessee, Dan Marino is from PA. Don Shula, Urban Meyer, Paul Warfield, Larry Csonka and John Gruden are all from Ohio. Bobby Bowden and Tim Tebow are from Alabama. Who is from Florida? Nobody, that's who. 

Nobody good anyway. So why do you Gators keep Gator chopping? No wonder a world class wimp such as Lane Kiffin saw such an easy target. And stop laughing Free Shoes University. We sure haven't seen a Tomahawk chop in awhile. I don't even remember what those things look like. I remember hearing about them. Vaguely. Then there's The U. The Canes. Population a whole lot, and how many people show up to Miami Hurricane games? Seven. Sixty on a good day? So what's that cheering noise I cannot hear? It's Miami Hurricane fans.

The BP Gulf oil spill? I blame Florida. NASA budget cuts? Florida. Scarface? Florida. People dying in the Bermuda Triangle, the Bay of Pigs fiasco, and The Great Depression? Florida, Florida, Florida. Where did Al Capone die of syphilis? Florida. You Floridians have South Beach women. The rest of us have log cabins, deer hunting, and DVD's of South Beach women. You have the beach. We have lakes. And we cannot accidentally swallow salt water and be eaten by sharks. You can!

The Florida "football" experiment is over. So send us your women and stop buying football tickets. We'll rename the entire state "Key West" and you'll have more money to spend on hair gel.

[atekido]

are you Les miles?

Back in 1984, quarterback midget Doug Flutie heaved a rather weak pass into the end zone for a winning touchdown against the Miami Hurricanes. Since that very moment, the state of Florida has basically only responded with Morty Seinfeld fighting with Jack Klompus over who would be the Del Boca Vista Estates president on the sitcom Seinfeld. Or maybe it was Vanilla Ice attempting to restart his music career in Florida. Somewhere along the way, a Florida resident a few years ago called 911 because his subway sandwich order was wrong. And then there's Key West, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, the basic premise of this slice of Pulitzer-nominee penciling is, you suck State of Florida Football Nation! You have a large population with warm weather and smoking hot chicks. That's it! You're done after that. Florida is one big strip joint for men visiting on business from the Midwest. Was that your wife I just slipped two dollars to? See, the only thing Americans know about Florida is too much hair gel and Wide Right and Wide Left. And we don't even remember it was Miami who won those games. We think we remember it was Virginia Tech or something. No wait! It was Rutgers. Now I remember.

Centuries ago, Ponce de Leon discovered this peninsula, and named the land "Florida," which is Spanish for "flowery teams will thrive only because of the weak Big East and ACC." Then Ponce de Leon got the hell out of there. I don't blame him.

Later on, Florida was right there during the Revolutionary War. But who did they help? Nobody. Did we hear the Benjamin Martin or General Cornwallis characters in The Patriot ever mention the Florida militia? Hell no we did not. Florida was initially Spanish territory, then British territory during the war. After George Washington and the patriots won our freedom, well, Florida went back to the Spanish. Get the idea here? Louisiana, Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois, Alabama, Missouri, Arkansas and Michigan became states before Florida was finally admitted in 1845. If you know your geography, then you know  what I'm saying. The war for independence was fought on the east coast, but Florida factored into nothing. Then Florida only beat California to statehood by five years! Florida is the Gino Toretto of American history.

Which brings us to Gino Toretto, the worst Heisman winner in history. Gino "won the Heisman" in 1992, then got his butt kicked by Alabama weeks later. He was later shuffled out the door by five NFL teams in five years. In comparison, implode-king Ryan Leaf was only shuffled out the door by four NFL teams in five years.

You see, the greatest football person to ever come from Florida is nobody. Howard Schellenberger is a Kentucky boy. Jimmy Johnson and Butch Davis are from west of the Sabine River by way of Arkansas. Dennis Erickson is from Washington, Bob Griese is from Indiana, Steve Spurrier is from Tennessee, Dan Marino is from PA. Don Shula, Urban Meyer, Paul Warfield, Larry Csonka and John Gruden are all from Ohio. Bobby Bowden and Tim Tebow are from Alabama. Who is from Florida? Nobody, that's who. 

Nobody good anyway. So why do you Gators keep Gator chopping? No wonder a world class wimp such as Lane Kiffin saw such an easy target. And stop laughing Free Shoes University. We sure haven't seen a Tomahawk chop in awhile. I don't even remember what those things look like. I remember hearing about them. Vaguely. Then there's The U. The Canes. Population a whole lot, and how many people show up to Miami Hurricane games? Seven. Sixty on a good day? So what's that cheering noise I cannot hear? It's Miami Hurricane fans.

The BP Gulf oil spill? I blame Florida. NASA budget cuts? Florida. Scarface? Florida. People dying in the Bermuda Triangle, the Bay of Pigs fiasco, and The Great Depression? Florida, Florida, Florida. Where did Al Capone die of syphilis? Florida. You Floridians have South Beach women. The rest of us have log cabins, deer hunting, and DVD's of South Beach women. You have the beach. We have lakes. And we cannot accidentally swallow salt water and be eaten by sharks. You can!

The Florida "football" experiment is over. So send us your women and stop buying football tickets. We'll rename the entire state "Key West" and you'll have more money to spend on hair gel.

[Hawgrox]

This was probably the dumbest, worst thought out, piece of crap post I have ever read on Hogville.

are you Les miles?

Don't worry Pillowhead....it's just over their heads...

[bolo]

the big O didn't like florida much